Not Another Relgious Tract Dissection by Andrew Bean and Jessica Blum

...with special Guest Commentator: Timmy Thoom


Today's Candidate:


Here Comes the Judge!
© 2012 Jack Chick

Uploaded January 23th, 2012



This judge had a dark side that very few knew about. He would ultimately stand before the Judge who knew it all.

Page Index

Introduction
Cover | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21
Conclusion



"Here Comes the Judge!" is one of those tracts that just can't decide what it wants it's plot to be. It starts off with some back story of a judge living in "a certain city" but then quickly spirals off into a side plot involving murder, conspiracy, blackmail, espionage and politically motivated hit men. The eponymous judge is severely injured in an explosion for his part in all of the proceeding and after refusing to accept Jesus at the prompting of his smug house servant is murdered and sent to that great cooking pot below.


Introduction
Tim:

This is a strange one. It’s one of those Jack T. Chick stories that don’t concentrate on the main character (the Judge) proper until ten pages in. The story sets up a complex plot (for a Chick Tract) dealing with murder and conspiracy that go nowhere. This is one of those tracts that make me think that Chick is a failed novelist or screenwriter that started making tracts for fundamentalist Christians because he’d have a built in audience.

 

Jessica:

Yeah, this tract suffers from a severe case of ADD, even for a tract by Jack Chick. It's like he had several ideas he gleaned from various bad TV shows and rather than pick on he just threw them in a blender and published what came out.

 

 

 

 

 


Cover Tim:

Here come de judge…Here come de judge….

 

Jessica:

Is he honestly referencing Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In in 2012? Is that, like, the last television show he actually watched?

 

   
 

 


Page 1 Jessica:

His nose is big enough to land an F-16 on.

 

Tim:

Hey I recognize that dude from somewhere else! Didn’t he used to play George Jetson’s boss? Man, he hasn’t aged well. And he’s sunken to playing bit parts in Chick Tracts? Things must be tough in Toon Town.

 

 

 

 

 


Page 2
Jessica:

What the hell is going on with that girl in the first panel (wearing the oh-so-fashionable smiley face shirt)? I like to think it's going a-little something like this.

 

Tim:

“Don’t Mind Me, Mrs. Keefer. I’m just murdering your husband, and stealing this incriminating evidence. I’ll be out of your hair in a moment. Oh, hi kids!”

Easter egg: See the dog in the photo, in the 2nd panel, barking at the killer?

 

Jessica:

It's Fang! That loveable mutt that Chick inserts into so many of his tracts to give them a false sense of continuity!

God bless him!

 

 

 


Page 3 Jessica:

The bad guys in these things always sound like third graders. They seem too meek to squeak out the mildest of minced oaths. "Blast it! Gosh darn it all to heck!"

 

Tim:

Wow, Lance. You murder the kid’s father, frame his mother for murder and, when he expresses dissatisfaction over this, you tell him to “shut up”? What a dick!

Go ahead, lady, just put your paws all over the handle of that knife. Smudge the murder’s fingerprints right off of it. Have you seen even one episode of CSI?

 

Jessica:

The incriminating evidence is contained in a manila envelope... one I like to imagine has "INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE - Do Not Open" scrawled on the front in permanent black magic marker.

 

Tim:

More Easter Eggs: The man in the photo on the left side of both panels has comical reactions to the murderer. Because that’s what a horrific scene like this needs: Mad Magazine-style hijinx.

 

 

 


Page 4 Jessica:

The investigator in the first panel looks like he's supposed to be someone. The only things I can come up with though is some sort of bastard hybrid of Keanu Reeves, Hugo Weaving and Dr. House.

<shudder>

 

Tim:

This whole murder and frame up is totally relevant to the Judge’s story. In the most loose and unnecessary way possible.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Page 5 Tim:

Lance is a big, dumb, sweaty nervous wreck. That’s what you get for going cheap when you spring for a hit man, Judge. You don’t want to be thrifty when it comes to these things.

 

Jessica:

That guy needs a glycerine tablet. Any minute now he's going to clutch his left shoulder and fall over dead.

 

 

 

 

 


Page 6 Jessica:

Ye Gods! You can chop wood with that guy's chin. We've gone over into full on caricature now.

 

Tim:

Is that the Governor in the photo on the wall? Who would vote for anyone who looked like that? He makes Andy Dick look like one put together dude by comparison.

 

Jessica:

What do illegal drugs have to do with her husband's murder? This is a total non-sequitur.

 

 

 


Page 7 Tim:

“My husband was killed, my kids are gone and I’ve been framed on drug charges. But after switching from my regular feminine hygiene products to Massengill, I feel fresh and clean!”

 

Jessica:

Mom... when you're husband is murdered and you're thrown in jail on trumped-up drug charges... do you ever feel... you know... less than fresh?

 

Tim:

“Not in this life, honey!”

You see, you’d think those are merely the words of a world weary cynic. But they are actually a subliminal message from the skilled author Jack T Chick: “There is no justice in this world, but plenty of justice when this life is over, if you accept Christ as your personal saviour”

You see what he did there? You don’t get to write subtle but powerful text like that from being some novice. That is  the type of writing  prowess you can only get from decades of experience!

 

   

Page 8 Jessica:

Oh... my... god... She's being prosecuted by Phil Spector!!! She might as well roll over and die right now!

 

Tim:

How can her sentence be a choice between 40 years in jail or capital punishment? Shouldn’t she get life without parole if she was eligible for the death sentence?

“God will get you for this!”  She knows that the cops set her up, but what evidence does she have that the judge had anything to do with it? Forget the 40 years. Kill this bitch.

 

Jessica:

"I'll kill you! I'll kill ALL OF YOU!!! Especially those of you in the jury!!!"

Way to go, lady.

 

 

 


Page 9 Jessica:

Talking houses.... CHECK!

Tim:

There’s a laptop in this tract? And they have Skype? Actual evidence that a story in the Chickverse is actually set somewhere near the 21st century? I think I’m feeling light headed.

 

Jessica:

Oh... the governor ACTUALLY looks like that. So that wasn't a pose in the picture up there.

 

Tim:

George Washington doesn’t approve of any of this shit.

 

 

 


Page 10 Jessica:

And now we have yet another sub-plot involving the judge being seduced by an attractive reporter. WTF?

 

Tim:

Why are they communicating via video conference? The governor is certainly trying to get his super villainy certificate, isn’t he?

 

Jessica:

I'll bet you that our Eye-Patched friend there is stationed inside a hollowed-out volcano just waiting for orders from his Unterscharführer, the Governator there.

 

Tim:

Listen Gov, you don’t look too hot. You’re sweating buckets, veins are popping out of your forehead. I think that juggling the responsibilities of running the state mixed with all of the murders and cover ups is really taking a toll on you. I think you should drop one or two of your extracurricular activities. Maybe sign up for a yoga class.

 

 

 


Page 11 Tim:

They blew up the restaurant? A bit of overkill, don’t cha think?

 

Jessica:

Yeah, talk about your collateral damage. Why not just nuke the whole city from orbit?

And is that supposed to be the judge being catapulted from the blast area? Well, that's convenient. There'd be nothing left of him.

 

Tim:

I’m sure there was a reason for not focusing on the judge’s story, and that this elaborate plot concerning the Governator, the murders and the frame up of Kim Keefer will be resolved shortly….

Oh, it won’t? ……Okay…..

 

 

 


Page 12 Jessica:

Now who's this slicked-back putz?

 

Tim:

What the Judge is possibly thinking:  “Aww sheee-it!”

He’s a captive audience for a smug, self righteous, preaching Christian? Is he in hell already?

 

 

 

   
   

Page 13 Jessica:

"The Awesome Judge!" Coming this Fall to Court TV. It'll be on just after Judge Judy but before Divorce Court.

 

Tim:

“Liar? Con man? “hated worldwide”? OO! OO! OO! Mister Kot-tah! Can I guess? Is it George W. Bush?

 

   
 

 


Page 14 Jessica:

You can barely see him in that mummy get-up they have him in, but you can tell from his eyes that he has a look of abject horror frozen on his face. I'll bet he's filling his adult diaper as we speak.

 

Tim:

Really? He’s trying to make us believe that Jesus Christ is the most hated man who ever lived? I can come up with several names, dead and alive that would be on that list before Jesus!

 

Jessica:

That guy isn't really a doctor. They just pay him to walk around with a bunch of blank pieces of paper and look busy.

It has a really good benefits package, though.

 

Tim:

Go ahead Conrad, explain to the Judge who exactly Jesus is… Because I am sure The Judge has never heard of the guy.

 


Page 15 Jessica:

Poor Jesus. Chick always draws him looking like a 150 lbs. bag of ground chuck. Makes you think he and Mel Gibson would get along swimmingly if they existed in the same continuity.

...what?... They're both real people?... oh shit...

 

Tim:

Is that the reason for this plot swiped from an 80’s cop show? So you could make the “judge” connection?

 

 

 

 

 

Page 16 Jessica:

Believe on Jesus. Apparently when you are born again and become "as a little child" you pick up a child's grasp of grammar to boot.

 

Tim:

Jack T Chick must be “green”. Because he has recycled that panel on the right to no end.

 

 

 

 

 


Page 17 Jessica:

The judge has some pretty nice, fluttery eye lashes. I wonder if it makes up for that nose of his.

Speaking of which, where exactly are they hiding that gunboat underneath all of those bandages? Did he lose it in the explosion?

 

Tim:

Uh, Jess? Those aren’t eyelashes. Those are his eyebrows.

 

Jessica:

Whoa... you're right. I don't know if that makes the situation better or worse. With the general quality of Chick's art it's easy to make mistakes like that. "Is that a thumb... or something... else???"

Famines. Plagues. Wars. Billions of casualties. God loves you.

 

   

Page 18 Jessica:

...and knowing is half the battle. G.I. JOE!!!!!

 

Tim:

You got to give the Judge credit for one thing…he’s a true, consistent and unapologetic asshole.

 

Jessica:

This is about as down and out as you can get and yet the judge still has the cojones to tell that self-righteous Conrad to piss off.

I admire him.

 

 

 


Page 19 Tim:

 “Oh well, I tried. Enjoy Hell, Mother #$&%!” 

 

Jessica:

"Certainly, Dr. Eye-Patch. You clearly look like a medically trained professional, so will just leave you alone to work your magic with your exceptionally ungrateful patient here."

 

Tim:

Conrad looks rather nonplussed that another human being will spend eternity damned to Hell. I guess that’s the Christian compassion I keep hearing so much about.

But we all know Conrad doesn’t give a damn about the Judge’s soul. He’s fulfilled his minimum requirements as a Christian. Sort of  the Christian equivalent to reading a criminal his Miranda Rights .

 

   
   
 

 


Page 20 Jessica:

Whoa... that's good poison!

 

Tim:

I can’t believe that Chick has ever taken to heart the words in Romans 3:10 and Romans 3:23. His tracts main impetus is that Christians are more righteous than everyone else. Chick is transparent in his insincerity.  Another reason he is not to be taken seriously.

 

Jessica:

It still took him 23 whole minutes to die. Man that sucks. Did he inject air into the IV or something?

 

 

 


Page 21 Jessica:

He can be your dearest friend or your deadliest enemy. So don't fuck with him. He'll make you wish your daddy never dicked your momma! You'll think you were screwed with a dick big enough for an elephant to feel it! He'll bend you back and around to kiss your own flabby bespeckled asshole! He'll go...

<ahem> I mean won't you accept Jesus as your personal Lord and Saviour and trust on him with all of your heart?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Conclusion
Jessica:

What is this... I don't even...

This comic is so full of random, unnecessary characters and convoluted subplots I can barely tell what's going on. That's pretty impressive for a 22 page comic that's most made up of pictures.

 

   
   
 

 


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Last Modified: December 22, 2013