Not Another Relgious Tract Dissection by Andrew Bean and Jessica Blum


Today's Candidate:



© 1980 / 1992 Jack Chick

Uploaded November 7th, 2014



When Suzi got AIDS, she learned that God's demand for sexual purity was for her own good.

Page Index

Introduction
Cover | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21
Conclusion



"That Crazy Guy"involves a young woman named Suzi (or Suzie if you're reading the updated edition) who is looking forward to her date with local heart throb Craig. After some faulty advice from local sex guru Ms. Damien and a wholly unsatisfying back-seat romp with Craig she discovers she's picked up an incurable sexually transmitted disease. Concerned, she is approached by a friend from school who sends her to see her religiously-minded grandfather who just happen to be a doctor. After some serious lecturing Suzi(e) comes to terms with her illness and is resigned to the consequences.


Introduction
Jessica:

As a departure from our standard operating procedure we will be concentrating on the original 1980 release of this tract while drawing parallels with the modern incarnation.

 

Sean:

It's not uncommon for Jack Chick to get really lazy and just re-release tracts that are out of circulation. Sometimes with a rather uncomfortable pallet swap on the skin color akin to a minstrel show. But once in a while, he does see fit to revise a tract significantly, as we can see with this particular example. For funsies, we chose to deconstruct both tracts at once, much like the "This is your life" review, so we can see just what a difference 12 years can make.

 

   
   

Sean:

Well okay, THIS page wasn't altered at all. But who can deny the world the jaw dropping adonis of... Blonde Burt Reynolds with a fake arrow? Truly the figure all men strive to emulate.

 

Jessica:

Yes, you too can come off like a complete and utter douche-tard for the low, low payment of only $5.99 (plus shipping and handling.)

 

   
   

Sean:

Now I would poke fun at Jack being so out of touch that he used the term "Crazy Disco Night", but this was the very beginning of the 80's and he did know enough to take it out of the 90's version. Granted, I still find it ridiculous that any girl would refer to a good looking guy as "Beautiful", especially when he seems to be like 20 odd years older than her. Seriously, she's meant to be like what, 17? While he looks like a stereotypical trucker akin to C.W. McGraw, how much do you wanna bet he's out of town for two weeks because he's hauling a load of TVs to a Wal-Mart in Kansas?

 

Jessica:

Beautiful isn't really an adjective you usually ascribe to men. However "far-out" is a little closer if you ask me. Was it contractually mandated for men to have crappy facial hair like that in the early 80's? Was that before the invention of the razor?

 

   
   

Sean:

Ms. Damien... just let that sink in. Why stop there? Why not name her "Strawman McAtheist"? Come to think of it, why is she coming to Ms. Damien? Shouldn't she talk to a guidance councilor, or you know a parent?

 

Jessica:

"I'd be happy to give you some advice Li'l Susy. Remember to cup the balls when you work the shaft. Also, always get payment up front. Trust me on this one."

 

   
   

Sean:

In the original, we see Chick merely attack the birth control pill, stating that two weeks isn't enough to have the effects take hold. Upon the re-release, he threw in an attack on condoms. Now, we've pointed out the common misconceptions these religious fundie types make about condoms, so no sense in beating a dead horse.

 

Jessica:

Fundamentalists sure do hate condoms. Probably because it allows people to have sex (relatively) risk free and they certainly can't get behind that. It's the same reason they were against the HPV vaccination.

 

   
   
   

Sean:

"If it feels good, do it!" Suzi(e) was later found dead after snorting 50 kilos of cocaine and ingesting enough chocolate to feed the whole third world.

 

Jessica:

Every girl is crazy about him? How old is he? He looks old enough to drink (if not older) and Suzi looks to be of high-school age.

 

Sean:

"Mmmmm I ENVY you". .... *Shivers* I did NOT need to imagine this gargoyle having sex. 

 

   

Sean:

Craig's big failing in the original was just being bad in bed, which caused Suzi to dump him. Seems a bit harsh, and doesn't really make him out into that much of a scumbag. However, when he reprinted it, Chick changed it to having him get her name wrong. I dunno if this was entirely warranted, but giving what's to come in this tract, I guess the revamp was appropriate.

 

Jessica:

Whether you're doing it in a Datson or in the dirt, this guy is a dick.

Also, teddy bear.

 

   
   

Jessica:

"I've never been so happy to be bleeding out of my vag!!!!"

You'd think the girl just won the lottery.

 

Sean:

So apparently houses are not only sentient, but prone to STD's. Craig really has been sleeping around.

 

Jessica:

"Why am I burning.... DOWN THERE?!?!?!1?!?ZOMG?@?!!"

 

   

Sean:

Twelve years seems to be enough to turn Ms Damien into a total bitch. She went from "I'm sorry but I'm REALLY busy Suzi" to "Get the fuck off my doorstep!"

 

Jessica:

Yeah, she's calling her names and everything. Chick is trying to make her look like an unhinged whack-job who abandons Suzi(e) in her time of need but that's a serious case of the pot calling the kettle black if you ask me.

 

   
   

Sean:

Ms. Damien lectured Suzi(e) on not being in the know about Gonorrhea, something she outright asked her about. Now she's spraying the chair (Even though you can't get the clap that way), maybe it wasn't in Suzi(e)'s best interest to ask for sex advice from the neighborhood schitzo.

 

Jessica:

Who is she again? How does Suzi(e) know her? Is she a teacher? A neighbor?

 

   
   

Sean:

Okay... why did they drop the detail that her friend's Grandfather was a Doctor? I mean it kinda makes sense for her to seek out a trustworthy MD to help with her little problem, but when you leave that out it becomes kinda... creepy. "Hey Suzi(e), I know you're going through a lot, so you should let my Grandpa take a look at your vagina!"

 

Jessica:

See, her Grandpa isn't a doctor. Just some homeopathic nutbag who rents an office, wears a white coat and performs "examinations" on young girls. You know... like John Todd.

<rimshot>

 

   
   

Sean:

It's here that the main details of the story diverge. In the original, Suzi(e) catches Herpes, while in the reprint she becomes HIV positive. It's really obvious why Jack Chick chose these two in particular, since both are (as of right now) incurable. Plus, the revision makes sense, since the original was released years before HIV was brought to the public attention.

 

Jessica:

It's just genial herpes? Jeez, I thought it was something serious. One in six people in America have. They even have vaccines now.

 

   
   

Sean:

And there it is, the first factual error regarding the STD in discussion. Craig may have gotten Herpes by merely making out with this "Betty", but what Chick failed to realize is that this is NOT the same strain that Suzi(e) now has. Suzi(e) is clearly suffering from Genital Herpes, which can only be passed from sexual contact, Oral Herpes however... is carried by more than 90% of the population. If you've ever had a cold sore, then you have Herpes. This could have been fixed by replacing "Made out" with "Had Sex."

 

Jessica:

I think Chick was trying to be tactful and euphemistic by saying "Made out" without realizing those two terms aren't really synonyms.

And this all completely overlooks the fact that whether you have one sex partner or one hundred dangerous, unprotected sex can score you an STD. It's quality, not quality here.

 

Sean:

Onto the discussion of HIV, and it's... just about as inaccurate. We've already talked about the falsehood surrounding Latex and the virus, so no need to go into further detail.

 

   

Sean:

Yeah.... kind of a problem with stressing the punishment of Genital Herpes: It's really not as bad as you'd think. Don't get me wrong, it's not something you'd WANT to get, but it's not fatal or crippling in the slightest, just occasional outbreaks of pain. As for the whole childbirth thing: It's certainly possible for it to kill the baby, but assuming some time has passed, Suzi(e) will have developed a sort of immunity which will be passed to the baby. And Caesarian Section is very common and safe nowadays, so no real issue here.

 

Jessica:

Infant transmission of genital herpes can also be controlled by antiviral medications. Additionally, they will perform a caesarean section at the drop of a hat due to fear of litigation following complications during vaginal delivery. Heck, women can request C-Sections for no real reason at all.

 

Sean:

I have checked out this claim about the 800 sexologists, and while I have found articles referencing it, I could not find any that did not carry an obvious bias, nor could I find any evidence of this event prior to the source cited at the bottom. Even still, this doesn't tell the whole story. I agree, I would not trust a condom in the event of sleeping with a person I knew was HIV positive, but that's because I'd rather not take the risk at all. Still doesn't change the fact that condoms have a 2% failure rating in general, as well as a 90% odd ratio of protection against HIV, and that's not even taking into account the relatively low infection rating on heterosexual sex. Now if you were to ask me if I'd trust a condom to protect me should I sleep with someone new, when I don't know if they're infected? The answer is yes, I would.

 

Jessica:

I, also, wouldn't trust a "doctor" who uses the word "tummy" to shave off a bunion. That does not inspire confidence.

 

   

Sean:

"God tried every way under the sun to stop you from getting these diseases!" Well, except for: Not creating them in the first place, appearing before her to stop her from sleeping with Craig, magically stopping the virus from spreading, preventing Craig from showing up to their date, vaporizing the prick from orbit... yeah.

 

 

Jessica:

...preventing Craig from having been born, giving Suzi(e) a genetic immunity to the virus, having Herpes be a male-only disease, give doctors divine guidance on developing a cure...

If a god is omnipotent and does all that he can to cause or prevent a specific thing from happening can he really be considered omnipotent?

 

Sean:

Also, it's clear that Suzi(e) hasn't read the Bible/ doesn't know it exists, meaning that she couldn't possibly have known about these rules. Fat lot of good a rule book does if it can't be read.

 

   

Sean:

"Saving yourself until marriage is the only way to protect yourself against STDs." Okay, putting aside the fact that people have been known to catch these inflictions in other ways, there is a huge issue that almost never gets addressed when it comes to the whole Abstinence thing. The whole "no sex before marriage" thing does a lot more harm than good, since as it turns out a HUGE chunk of those who take the pledge just end up breaking it anyway. But let's assume you have the willpower to hold back, just for the sake of argument. What you end up with, is what basically amounts to "Marriage for sex", wherein the overly horny teens get engaged to and marry their first boyfriend/girlfriend just because they want to have sex. Naturally, this leads to rocky and unstable marriages, since the only thing keeping their relationship together before was a combination of puppy love and the mutual desire to bone, and of course the wedding night turns out to be REALLY disappointing since you've got two people who have no clue what they're doing.

 

Jessica:

I've heard it said that if you wait until your wedding night to have sex for the first time it will be more enjoyable. If the stories I've heard of various people's first times are any indication it is anything but.

 

   
   

Sean:

Right, sure. STDs are punishment for gay sex, which is why lesbians have the lowest HIV ratings.

 

Jessica:

This logic train leading from homosexuality to bestiality is really starting to piss me off. Next he'll be comparing it to pedophilia.

 

Sean:

God created a flawed immune system prone to backfiring on itself even with the help of modern medicine, to combat the diseases HE created. Bible-thumping fundies like to boast the immune system as an example of intelligent design, and completely overlook the fact that even without HIV in the picture, it's still not up to snuff.

 

 

 

 

Sean:

The death penalty was also mentioned as a punishment for working on the sabbath, touching pigs, and mixing your clothing materials. Either you throw the whole thing out or you don't, stop cherry picking just because you find homosexuality icky.


Jessica:

If you doctor says anything along the lines of "X came right from the devil" report him to your state's medical board immediately. They may have something to say about that.

 

Sean:

"All I've got to look forward to is death, right?" Well... not entirely. Yeah, HIV can be a killer,  but it's obvious that she was caught really early on. A little too early for the effects of HIV to be made apparent... but it has been known to manifest early in certain cases, so you win this round Jack. At her stage however, it's very treatable, and she can be kept alive indefinitely as long as she takes her medication regularly and stays healthy. Nowadays HIV is a lot like Diabetes, potentially fatal, and something you want to avoid, but it can be managed and you can still live a normal life despite it.

 

   

Sean:

Comparing consensual homosexuality with bestiality. Classy. (Still... it beats Dick Hafer any day)

 

 

Jessica:

Why would an omnipotent, omnipresent god really give two shits where you stick your junk?

It's telling that this "benevolent" deity was very straight forward and vocal about laws when it came to having sex or worshipping himself but failed to legislate against things like rape, slavery, pedophilia, genocide...

 

Sean:

Twelve years of innovation apparently amounts to swapping the panels.

 

   

Sean:

I like how the original goes into great detail about the nature of Hell in the Chickverse. I guess in between the re-release he decided it wasn't that important.

 

Jessica:

Suzi(e) is straight. She had sex with a man. There is no indication Craig is in anyway gay either. Even the doctor's example with the stupid little stick people only covered man/woman sex. Why is he beating this drum so much with her?

 

   
   

Sean:

"The Greatest gift and mother or father can give to their child" Yeah, sure. In reality it would probably go more like this: "Hey kids! Daddy is moving out because he and I got married the split second we both turned 18, and because we had no understanding of long term compatibility or experience in playing the field, we paired up because we were the only ones willing to bang one another!"

 

Jessica:

Kids don't generally like thinking about who their parents did or didn't have sex with before they were born. That's seriously gross.

 

Sean:

I will say this though, at least Chick is sticking to his guns about both partners being virgins until married. Nowadays we just focus on the gals, which has given rise to... purity balls. *Pukes*

 

   

Sean:

"Free pills, Free shots, free abortions"? Where in the Hell did you find those in 1980's America!? Nowadays women can't even get their health insurance to cover birth control, so apparently the Reagan years were far worse than we thought.

 

Jessica:

"The state doesn't love you Suzi, and no one really cares about you;"

Step #1 of abusive behavior/cult indoctrination - isolate the subject from their support system and loved ones.

Jesus took gonorrhea and lesbianism upon his body. Now that's HAWT!

   
   

Sean:

And of course there's no change here, Suzi(e) gets saved and goes to heaven when she dies. Same story, different day.

 

Jessica:

The old panel she doesn't even respond. In the new panel she's sullen but still like "I'm looking forward to meeting Jesus" that absurdity of which we've touched on in other tracts.

 

   
   

Conclusion
Sean:

It's pretty obvious why this was updated after the discovery of HIV. Back in the day it was tough to shake your finger at pre-marital sex when the worst you could get was an irritating skin condition that most people already had a strain of anyways. Once we found something fatal well, then he had a leg to stand on. Though honestly not much changed aside from the sickness and Ms. Damien's odd transformation into a total bitch. I can't say this was especially memorable either way, especially once the doctor stepped in and spouted the same expositional drivel we've heard a million times. 

 

   
   
 

 


 
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Last Modified: November 7, 2014